"I'm only here to give you someone to leave when you get bored"
I’m alive. I’m a selfish prick, but I’m alive. Something like nothing I’ve ever felt before inside me snapped the other day and I was drowning in guilt, shame, sadness, and demons of many other forms. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, I just didn’t want to live anymore, so I decided to take a lot of pills with some booze and never wake up. The medics and cops showed up right after I had blacked out, woke me up, triggered a panic attack, further injured my elbow, and took me to hospital to flush my system. My roommates somehow found out that I’d made an attempt on my life and came to bargain me out of there as soon as they could. I love them for that because I hate being in hospitals.
So now with some help from people who care about me regardless of my selfishness, I have to try and figure out how to:
A) make amends with all of my friends that care about me and whom I saddened, worried, and angered with my attempt to OD
B) try to keep a happy facade so the rest of the world doesn’t see how weak and fucked up I really am without it eating me alive
C) get help
I’m so sorry to anyone who was scared or worried. I’m going to give life another shot for my friends’ sakes.
I just drank everything in my fridge and took 8 Hydrocodone. I hope I’m dead by morning. I can’t make either of you happy. I’ve tried suicide so many times, but this time I’m confident that it’ll work. The God you believe in is the same one preached by the son of ‘83 you so love who raped and molested me through my youth. I hate myself. I hate the way I made you so disappointed in me: I hate that I couldn’t sit still in school, that I couldn’t be “normal” like your other two boys and I had to be medicated and sat in front of a multitude of psychologists at Nestle’s expense just because you never wanted to listen to me (without shoving a fucking bible in my face) You said that your God (the same one whom my rapist, molesting, piece of shit eldest brother proclaims to be a relentless shepherd for) would relinquish. You said that if I prayed hard enough and went to your stupid church enough, I’d be vindicated of my demons. You forbade me to love any woman due to your pathetic biblical guilt trips which you used to cause me to push away any person who loved me unconditionally because of your inference of her “impure intent” fuck you. Fuck everything. Fuck your stupid churches who turned me away in my time of need. I did everything I could to make you proud of me in these last 7 years. I did everything I could to be a good son to be proud of and write about in your cheesy fucking Christmas cards. I am nothing. I am exactly what you think I am: a fucking lost cause. I have no direction, I have no love, I have no means to satisfy my thirst. Your grandchildren will forever know me as “Uncle Fuck-Up: who had no other desires than to fight and die in a war and an ungodly thirst to love someone” I wanted to fucking die over there so you guys could at least use my life and death to promote you in your right-wing Christian circles as martyrs. I hate myself, I hate who I have become. I have always hated myself. I wanted to be normal after I returned from Afghanistan, I wanted to just be your son regardless of the decisions I made. I was no one. I was a groomsman for my father’s “best friend” and you didn’t care about what I needed to fight through. I told you to not come out to Washington to see me upon my return from war, but you had to so you could look like good parents who loved your piece of shit little boy in the views of your bullshit churches. But when I returned, you just looked at me in disgust as if I hadn’t been through the hell your shit politician’s had ordered me to suffer. Old men keep dreaming of battles for young men to fight. I saw the worst things of my life over there, but even a year after I left the military, you refused to accept that I had done or accomplished anything, I had accomplished nothing in your eyes. I am nothing. I am nothing in anyone’s eyes, even in my own parents’ disillusioned eyes, I am worthless. I’m sorry you had to bear the burden of my sorry existence only to pour me out in excruciating pain at Portland Adventist 25 years ago just so I could wreck your dreams of having wonderful sons who fulfilled every dream of yours. I hope this all brings you great sympathy from your churchgoing friends and their arrogance, the same ones whom you told of my ineptitude since 1998. I fucking hate the world, I fucking hate myself. I hope I am asleep forever by the time you wake up. I’m sorry I caused so much grief for you and all of my wonderful friends. My friends kept me alive for nearly 3 years after you expressed your distaste for me. I love them so much and I wish I didn’t have to make this final decision, but I can’t take myself anymore. This is selfish as hell, but it will be the last selfish decision I make. I love my friends so much that I wish I hadn’t fucking taken the drugs from my dresser. I don’t need your approval for shit anymore. I love my friends and my Auntie so much, I shouldn’t need your approval, just theirs. I hate myself because of you. Make no mistake, this is your stupid religion’s fault. I might wake up in a few hours, but I honestly hope that I don’t. I don’t want to live anymore. I’m tired of disappointing you and my father. I hate myself.,I’m falling asleep and hopefully it is forever